Missing Out? -My Decision Not to Serve.

In the last few months I have been wondering: Am I missing out on something that I will never have the opportunity to do again? 

Let me explain... In the October 2012 General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, President Thomas S. Monson made a monumental announcement... 

"I am pleased to announce that effective immediately, all worthy and able young men who have graduated from high school or its equivalent, regardless of where they live, will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18, instead of age 19. . . .Today I am pleased to announce that able, worthy young women who have the desire to serve may be recommended for missionary service beginning at age 19, instead of age 21."

If you missed out (or would like to see it again) here is the full coverage: 

 As you can imagine, and as many have experienced Utter Chaos ruled my mind. For me missionary service had never really been a question, I had hoped like many little Mormon girls that it would be a decision that I would not have to make. In my mind if I was not married or close to marrying at the age of 21 (which would hopefully not happen) then I would think about missionary service. But suddenly it came knocking at my door.

FYI: I must clarify at this point that I have NEVER had a particularly keen desire to serve a full time mission; Yes I have a very strong testimony of this gospel, and I want the work to continue... But missionary service has never been at the top of my list. Another clarification; albeit my lack of desire to serve I still have a willingness to serve, and if prompted or called upon to serve I would gladly.

So, now I had a decision to make, with the help of the Lord. I kinda went a little crazy searching out my answer, and with hours of scripture reading, multiple temple visits, some fasting, and quite a bit of time on my knees; I believe I have found my answer, and it is still my answer today. 

No, you need to be here. 

At a time like this I will be honest, I was relieved. And for a long time it stayed that way. I even had one friend who when I told her about my answer automatically spurted out "You are totally going to get married!" my response -'I hope so!'. 

And for awhile everything was going my way -but it was my way, not the Lords way. And in March my life kinda shattered... Suddenly I didn't know who I was, where I was going, or what I thought I was doing with my life, and I looked around to see if anyone else knew what they were doing, and this is what I saw:

My roommates: Carolle- graduating, and getting ready for grad school. Savannah- exited to serve a full time mission (she is currently awaiting her call). Amy- Serving a full time mission in San Antonio, Texas. Andrea- working her but off in school, because she is majoring in genetics. Kjersti- Serving a full time mission in Fukuoka, Japan. Amanda- 1 year left in her math education major, but really she just needs to get married and she will be the best mom ever! and me...

My high school friends: (seriously this is the best picture I could find?) random stranger-? Erikka- reports September 11- Eugene Oregon. Me... Kinzie- reports August 28- Spokane Washington. Janette- Married. Rachel- lost contact.

 Also: Rachelle- left last week serving in San Fernando, California. Elle- Hong Kong, China -reports June 23. Me...

 I am surrounded by missionaries! And it is wonderful, and I even have a few strong friends who like me have not felt impressed to serve at this time... but then again they don't have the easiest major in the world -seriously I could skip half the semester and still get a 4.0.

In short I felt like I was doing nothing, and then came something interesting... Jealousy. Plain and simple. After having no huge desire to serve, and feeling that I don't need to; I was more jealous of these ladies around me than I have been of almost anyone in my life. In their lives I saw direction, and joy. I thought how wonderful would that be to know what you are doing for 18 months. 18 months where the only man in your life is the Lord, and he will never let you down or leave you alone. It sounds like a dream come true, but it wasn't coming true for me.

Yet again I was on my knees searching for an answer that I had already received  and I knew that it wasn't going to change... and it didn't.

Now I am home for the summer, and I barely make it to my own ward because of all the 'farewells'. I could look at it and be angry, and sad, that all my friends are leaving me. But I have found the Bigger Picture, my roommate Savannah continually reminds me "Deanna- you're only 18, you can still do anything." then one day I realized that it's true, there are so many years left ahead of me! So no, I'm not going to serve a mission right now, that doesn't mean that I can't serve later. Sure my hopes of prospective marriage may have gone down the drain, but that doesn't mean that I will never marry -after all I'm only 18. My major may be one of the easiest things in the world (as my friends remind me often), but it takes a lot of work, and planning, and organization; and most important It is what I love to do.

I may not be serving a mission, but that does not mean that I cannot serve, live righteously, share the gospel, and grow closer to my Savior. It isn't easy, and I would never suggest that it is, but what does help is our Savior, and his love for us, after all he has promised:

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." -John 14:18

So although it may be hard to be the 'only' one not serving, all you need to do is ask for Courage, and that will take you to the point when you realize that: No, you aren't missing out on anything, you just took a different turn on your way back to our Father in Heaven. Not bad, just different.